Call Centers: "Canary Meets Coal Mine"

Be honest. You know you hate it when you need tech support and your call gets rerouted to India. But, at least in India, you still get tech support.

A request line answering service is worse. In fact, I'd go so far as to say a request line answering service embodies everything that's wrong with radio today.

You're not taking a request. There isn't any interaction between the listener and the person they're listening to on the radio. Hell, there isn't any interaction between the listener and the radio station. The person answering the phone doesn't even work for the station (or - groan - the "cluster")

It saddens me how the same people who hate being lied to find it so easy to lie to others for a living.

...The golden rule, man. The golden rule. I wish more people would try it.

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer here, but for radio to not only survive this recession but someday thrive in whatever follows, radio has only one option.

One Option.

That same One Option is the only way for the web to grow into a major-revenue generating medium.

The same One Option is the only way Television is going to survive.

The same One Option is the only way Hollywood is going to survive.

Maximize Humanity.

Sex sells.
Personality sells.
Humor sells.
Passion sells.
Emotion sells. My god, if you can tap into someone's emotions, you can have that person in the palm of your hand.

Yes, I admit, undercutting the competition also sells. Most of the people who shop at Costco and Walmart do so because it's cheaper. If their local grocery store were the cheapest option with a large enough selection (not necessarily the largest, mind you. Just "large enough"), the huge chains would be in a world of hurt. But chains can more easily undercut the price. It's a model that works.

Radio is already free, so clearly, radio can't win on price. And on the business side, there's only so much cost-cutting that can be done before entertainment is eliminated completely.

Tapping into human emotions is the only option. I realize this doesn't solve the revenue problem for ad-driven media, but without an audience, there is no hope of bringing back advertisers when the recessions passes.

Tap into human emotions!

This is why Walmart hires greeters. It's why Starbucks hires chipper baristas. It's why the Apple Store always has too many employees roaming the store and why they have a "Genius Bar." It's why dating sites exist and why message board flame wars can drag on for eternity.

Years ago, radio could crank out the hits and it was enough. People didn't have as many choices for music back then. Not only was radio the cheapest, it was also usually the best - unless you happened to be that guy who had an entire wall of vinyl at home. Oh, who am I kidding? You probably were that guy. I was that guy too. That's part of what lured us into radio in the first place, wasn't it? Even though we had more music than any of our friends, we still couldn't get enough.

Times have changed.

A typical iPod has more music than the entire wall of vinyl I used to covet. My iTunes library currently has enough music to last fifty one days nonstop without ever repeating a single song. 51.1 days, to be precise.

Times have changed - but some things haven't.

I left work early Friday afternoon to enjoy happy hour, and do you know what I saw? I saw that everyone else left work early too, because it was the end of the week and it was gorgeous outside. Table after table was packed with huge groups of people, hanging out and laughing with their friends.

And you know just as well as I do that, as evening became night, those happy hour bars became meet markets, packed with even more people.

...it's like I said...

Sex sells.
Personality sells.
Humor sells.
Passion sells.
Emotion sells. My god, if you can tap into someone's emotions, you can have that person in the palm of your hand.

Go to any meet market and watch people interact. You'll see them working it, more or less selling themselves to connect. Maybe just for a dance with someone hot. Maybe just to score a few free drinks or flirty conversation. People are working whatever they've got, be it personality, style, charm or whatever, and they're trying to connect.

Business is no different. If you can't win on price alone, you've got to try to connect. You have to tap into human emotions.

And so, in these technologically advanced yet trying times, what does radio do?

...does radio fight for listeners by putting more callers on the air and creating more local events that inspire casual listeners to become huge fans? Nope. Radio is replacing jocks with call centers for rerouted calls since there's nobody in the studio to answer the phones anymore.

...does radio use the internet to connect with people and recycle web visitors into radio listeners? Nope. Radio is trying to shoo radio listeners onto the web in hopes they'll click on an ad that's worth pennies (if that). Radio doesn't even bother putting compelling content on the sites they're shooing their listeners on to! 95% of a typical radio station website is garbage links and outdated filler.

The internet isn't a light at the end of the tunnel for radio's woes. It's headlights from an oncoming out of control drunk driver. Why? Because radio hasn't learned how to use the internet to connect with people. Radio hasn't learned to use the internet to tap into human emotions.

Radio needs a new Bill Drake. Or maybe a Steve Jobs. An updated man with an updated plan, who understands today's challenges and has the ability to meet them with a mass appeal approach that marries humanity with a playlist via a memorable brand.

In other words:
...Air talent who inspire emotion
...plus a well crafted station specific playlist
...plus a goddam memorable audio logo
Tie it all together!

No more awful slogans!!! If your slogan is longer than five words, you're probably not very good at marketing.

Five Dollar Footlong.
There's An App For That.
Can You Hear Me Now?
Where's The Beef?
Good To The Last Drop.
The Breakfast Of Champions.
Just Do It.
Have It Your Way.
Finger Lickin' Good.
Love That Chicken At Popeyes!!!

Come on! Why must radio slogans be so pathetic?
These are better:

The Hits Are On i92.7
Jacksontown Rocks With KJ-92.7
World Class Rock: 92.7, KNTR

World Class Rock is actually a great slogan. It says what it is and is what it says. Short and sweet. Do you know what ISN'T a great slogan? "The Best Mix Of Decade decade and decade with less blah and more whatever while you work." Honest to god, if you have to tell people they can listen to your station at work, you're not very good at marketing.

You're. Just. Not.

...It's like saying "Here's a frying pan! It's good for when you want to cook on the stove top."

But that's what radio has become.

Instead of connecting with people on an intensely personal and human level, radio has become telemarketers in Iowa where calls to empty studios are rerouted.

I'm not sure if it's more sad or offensive, but either way, it's worse than awful.

Radio still has geniuses who know how to win at sales, but they're being ignored by corporate's human bobbleheads who are so removed from actual radio that they no longer understand the realities of the medium.

I don't pretend to be on of those sales geniuses. I am simply a canary in a coal mine. How much is the coal mine worth if the miners are all dead? How much is a radio frequency worth if the programming is dead?

Call centers instead of air talent?
That bird's not coming back.